Facebook really needs to stop sharing my past with me. The 2014/2015, even the 2016 memories! I don’t want to look at those. I don’t want them to pop up every year on this day. Not because I cringe, but for I feel bad that I didn’t nurture myself well. I didn’t parent myself well. I was a bad parent.

I feel sad for how I wasn’t kind enough to notice my aspirations. Yes, I was a bad parent. Career was the only thing that I needed to focus on, yet I couldn’t set a goal that suited my interest. I used to tell myself to move; to rush. Or else I might fall behind the competitions. What would happen if I fall behind? I didn’t have an answer. Because I didn’t give myself an option for “falling.”

I was a bad parent. Because I didn’t shield myself. I let myself sink into academics and corporates and toxic relationships; sometimes all at the same time, with same deadlines. I didn’t let myself sleep enough. I woke at 5 to rush to office; even in days when I spent sleepless nights. I was being stressed about not meeting my KPIs more than I did for not meeting the minimum sleep hours.

I was definitely a bad parent for I never appreciated myself. I let my mind absorb the negativity even when other people praised me. My whole life, I kept telling myself that I don’t deserve to be happy. And breathing Oxygen is enough to live. I was living, right? So, I was lucky.

I didn’t notice myself drowning in my bed. Day by day, how my exhaustion was pushing me into the mattress, how pain was soaking my pillows. I ignored my needs, just like a bad parent does.

I was the worst parent when I broke all hell and tried to injure myself. Physically. I thought I was disappointing people. I was losing people and I blamed that on me. I hurt myself out of guilt. The guilt of not being perfect. If only I knew then, perfection doesn’t exist, people get lost in translation and you can be disappointing to some and keeping everyone happy is never possible.

I was an oppressive parent too. I didn’t let myself roam around the streets. Not even in broad daylights. I never travelled until 3 teachers and every classmate who hated me came with us. I did not permit myself for night outs at friends. I set strong boundaries with loud alarms. There was no reason of doing these. It came in naturally. And I love nature. So...may be...that’s why!

I didn’t allow myself taking a break. I was encouraged to overwork. I thought, it will reward me in future. Future that I couldn’t visualize. But probably I looked at my future as “a rich life with hard earned money to spend on the bare necessities of my living.” I never asked myself why I needed a future like this. Or...do I even need! A future like this?

Just like a bad parent, I lured myself into rewards. I pressured my brain to put out efficiency, to meet strict deadlines and still work because I would reward myself if it can push beyond boundaries. Boundaries that who knows who set!

I am guilty being a bad parent; from the day I realized my worth. If I could revisit the moments, I would love to tell myself,

You ARE worthy! You are worthy of being happy. You are worthy of being productive without burnouts. You are worthy of appreciation. You are worthy of restarts. You are worthy of comfort. You are worthy of good memories.

Yes, my love...

You are worthy of a good parent.