It's the end of a fall and the nights take way too long to pass. You have more hours to overthink. You get more reasons to guilt-trip yourself. You have more darkness in your room. And your heart. There's more time to regret your choice. Choices that you had to make God knows why! You have to pass the night by dissecting yourself. You dissect your actions, behaviour, response and interests. You find yourself as a misplaced being on this earth. You don’t know what to do with your life. You never knew. Looks like, going with the flow doesn’t always work. Now you are lost with your ownself. You are a lost creature on earth. Nobody knows why you are here. You don’t belong here. You don’t want to belong here. Then why are you here? What's your purpose? What's your goal? What's you?

I am the end of a fall. My darkness overshadows the sun. My heartbeats are cold. And so are my eyes. Sometimes, I cry tears of ice, the veins in my cheeks get bluer with the extreme coldness of it. Other times, I cry tears of snow when the burden is more. The burden of being somewhere I don't belong. The burden of not knowing my purpose on earth. The burden of my life.

Being a fall is the toughest stage to be in. If I were a summer like you, I would find a street full of petals and walk on it, may be dance for a while. I would be a sudden rain in May, a peaceful lazy noon beside the lake or a coffee shop. The heat wouldn’t let me cry, my tears would evaporate.

If I were allowed to, I would be an autumn, with a sky full of scattered clouds. Playing with the sun in the day and with the stars at night. Being as happy and crazy as I am supposed to be, smiling and singing, being madly in love.

But I am the end of a fall; slowly heading towards the winter. The nights will become longer, I will have even more hours to spend in the dark, overthinking. I'll have more sorrow in my room, and my eyes. My tears will be made of glass. It will cut through my cheeks. It will cut through my heart. It will cut open my veins and all the guilt will flow out of my body. All my regrets will be free. I will dissect those one by one. I will find parts; where my words weren't warm enough for you, where I said no to the movie date, where I didn’t appreciate you enough; your sight, your smile, your hand. I will find parts where I wasn't what you thought I was, where I could have become what you thought I was. And a part where I let you leave the place where you left me a year before; broken, numb with a heart full of spikes.

Yes, I am the end of a fall, slowly becoming winter. There’s fog building in front of my eyes. It's hazy and hollow. I won’t be able to see for long. The dark nights have started suffocating my lungs. I will be out of breath soon. All the noisy coffee shops are closed. There’s silence everywhere. The earth is abandoning me because I don't belong here. I don't have a purpose to stay. There’s no summer left to see. It's all winter. It's all fall from here.